The 36 Questions to Fall in Love: Do They Work?
Entry No. 163 ·
By The IF Team
Do the 36 questions make you fall in love? Not on their own. They come from a 1997 study by the psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron and their colleagues, who wanted to know whether closeness between strangers could be built on purpose, and the answer was yes: pairs who took turns answering 36 questions that grow steadily more personal felt closer afterwards than pairs who spent the same time on small talk. What the questions create is closeness. Whether that becomes love depends on everything they cannot supply — attraction, timing, and two people choosing to see where it leads.
That is what makes them so appealing, and a little risky. They are designed to get past the polite version of someone, and they often bring up feelings that were already there, sometimes for a person whose timing does not match yours. IF was made for that moment. It gives you a way to tell someone what you feel, honestly, single or in a relationship and whoever they are, and to keep it until the time is right to act on it.
If you are planning a first date rather than an experiment, first date questions are lighter and more useful. The 36 are a different tool, and the psychology of attraction shows where closeness fits among everything else that draws people together.
Where the 36 questions come from
In the original study, pairs of students who did not know each other spent about 45 minutes working through three sets of twelve questions, each set more probing than the last. A comparison group asked one another 36 questions of small talk. The question pairs came away feeling closer, and they did so whether or not they shared the same attitudes and whether or not they had expected the exercise to work. The authors were careful about what they claimed: closeness in a laboratory is not the same as commitment, loyalty or any of the things a relationship takes much longer to build.
The questions stayed mostly in psychology until January 2015, when the writer Mandy Len Catron described trying them over drinks with an acquaintance in a New York Times Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This”. The two of them did fall in love, and the essay travelled around the world. Catron was clear, though, that the questions had not done it for them. They had chosen each other.
The method itself has had a long life in research. Psychologists have used the questions in study after study to create closeness quickly, including between people from different backgrounds who might never otherwise have talked.
Why they work
The engine is reciprocal self-disclosure: you each reveal a little more, in turn, and each answer makes the next one easier. A large review of the research on opening up found that people who disclose more personal things tend to be liked more, and that people come to like those they have opened up to. The 36 questions put both effects on a timetable.
Three details matter. The questions escalate slowly, so nobody is asked anything heavy before they are ready. Both people answer every question, so neither is interviewing the other. And the structure gives you permission: you would never ask someone you met an hour ago about their most treasured memory, but because the list asks, you both can.
The three sets, with a taste of each
Set I: easing in
The first twelve sit just above small talk. “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” “What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?” “If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?”
Set II: what matters to you
The middle set moves to values and memories. “What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?” “What is your most treasured memory?” “What roles do love and affection play in your life?”
Set III: the two of you
The last set turns towards the person opposite. “Make three true ‘we’ statements each.” “Complete this sentence: ‘I wish I had someone with whom I could share …’” And the one people tend to remember: “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?”
The full list, with instructions, is published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.
How to do the 36 questions
- Choose someone you are curious about, and who is curious about you. The questions amplify interest; they cannot create it from nothing.
- Set aside about 45 minutes somewhere you will not be interrupted: a quiet corner of a bar, a long walk, a kitchen table. Not a crowded party.
- Take turns, and both answer every question, swapping who goes first each time.
- Go in order. The questions are built to escalate, and jumping to the last set cold defeats the point.
- Let yourself pass, or answer briefly. Honesty matters more than completeness.
- Put your phones somewhere out of sight.
- Afterwards, let it settle. Nothing has to be decided tonight.
Catron’s version ended with four minutes of silent eye contact. That is the part people remember, but it is not on the list of 36, and you can leave it out.
Being asked to answer honestly, out loud, can feel exposing, and that discomfort is part of how the questions work. If it is the opening up itself that you find hard, learning to be vulnerable is worth reading before you try them.
Do they work on a date?
They can, with some judgment. On a first date the whole set can feel like a lot: an hour of intimate questions with someone you met that evening. The first twelve make a good playful game for a first or second date, and the deeper sets land better once there is something to build on.
They also work on people you already know. Friends use them to get closer, and long-term couples use them because most of the questions are ones you stop asking once you think you know someone. You may be surprised by what you never found out.
When the questions bring up feelings you cannot act on
The 36 questions are a deliberate intimacy exercise. Done with a crush while one of you has a partner, they can take you somewhere you would then have to keep quiet about, and keeping quiet is the point where honest feelings start turning into lying. Knowing where the line falls helps, and so does a simpler route: if what you want is for them to know how you feel, there is a way to say it that does not need an hour alone together.
The feeling itself is nothing to be ashamed of. It may have been there long before any list of questions, and plenty of people find that question 33 has a name attached.
Where IF fits: question 33
Question 33 asks what you would most regret not having told someone, and why you have not told them yet. For a lot of people the honest answer is a person, and the reason is timing: they are with someone, or you are, or the words never came.
IF is a dating app for singles and people in relationships, made for exactly that kind of unsaid thing. If you are both single and they have an IF account already, a Like is the way in; a chat opens once they accept. In every other case — a partner on either side, or a crush who has yet to sign up — what you write is an IF, 250 characters at most, sealed the instant it leaves you. Swipe might show them to you, and Search will find them if they have given you their email address, phone number or Instagram handle. All they can learn before a reveal is that an IF is waiting; your name and your words stay with you, and IF will not open a conversation between you while either of you is with someone else. Someone not on IF hears nothing at all if you used their number or handle, and receives one brief invitation if you used their email. Your first IF is free.
It is the one question on the list that an IF answers for you: you told them, honestly, and you left the timing to take care of itself. Telling someone you like them face to face is the other answer, when the moment allows it.
Questions people ask
How long do the 36 questions take?
About 45 minutes in the original study, roughly fifteen minutes for each set of twelve. There is no prize for speed: if a question opens up a long conversation, let it.
Can you do the 36 questions over text?
You can, and some people find it easier to be honest in writing. You lose the pauses and faces that make the in-person version so affecting, though, and it is easier to skip the turn-taking. If you do it by message, agree to answer each question one at a time, both of you, before moving on.
Do you have to do the four minutes of eye contact?
No. It became famous through Catron’s essay, but it is not one of the 36 questions, and the questions stand on their own as an exercise. Try it if you are both curious; skip it if it feels like too much.
Can you do the 36 questions with a friend?
Yes. The questions were designed to create closeness, not romance, and they work for friendships too. Just be honest with yourself about why you are suggesting them, and with your friend if the answer is more than friendship.
If the questions leave you with something you would regret never saying, say it, and if the timing is wrong, put it in an IF so that it is said and waiting.