What Are Bids for Connection?
Entry No. 139 ·
By The IF Team
Bids for connection are the small ways people reach for each other’s attention, affection or support: a comment about the weather, a sigh at the end of the day, a link sent at lunchtime, “Look at that dog!” The psychologist John Gottman found that how partners respond to these tiny moments, by turning towards them, turning away or turning against, is one of the clearest signs of whether a relationship will last. Couples who stayed together answered each other’s bids far more often. The encouraging part is that noticing them is a habit, and habits can be built.
If you have ever felt lonely sitting right next to your partner, a run of missed bids is often why. Nobody did anything wrong, exactly. The small reaches just kept going unanswered, until both of you stopped making them.
In a sense, every IF is a bid too. IF is an app for reaching out honestly, whatever your relationship status and whoever you feel something for: singles and people in relationships take a feeling that started offline, give it honest words, and wait to act until the moment is right. That is the big version of a bid. This article is mostly about the small ones, which do most of the work in a relationship.
What a bid looks like
A bid is any attempt to get a partner’s attention, interest, affection or support. Some are obvious. Many are so small they are easy to miss:
- A comment that is really an invitation: “That looks like a nice place for dinner.”
- Sharing something: a meme, a song, a story from work.
- A question that asks for more than an answer: “Are you tired?”
- A request for help: “Can you look at this email before I send it?”
- A sigh, a stretch, a hand on the shoulder in passing.
- A joke, especially an old one only the two of you find funny.
Underneath, most bids ask the same thing: are you with me? Answering yes, even in a word, is what keeps two people feeling close.
Three ways to answer a bid
Say your partner looks out of the window and says, “Wow, look at that sky.” Gottman’s framework sorts the possible replies into three kinds:
- Turning towards: you look up and join in. “It’s gorgeous. Want to take our tea outside?” Even a warm “Oh, wow” counts.
- Turning away: you keep scrolling, or answer something else entirely. The bid simply disappears.
- Turning against: you respond with irritation. “I’m busy, can you not interrupt?”
Turning away is usually not deliberate. It happens when we are tired, distracted or assume the moment does not matter. But to the person who made the bid, being ignored and being rejected can feel surprisingly similar.
Why such small moments add up
Gottman’s most quoted finding comes from following newly married couples. Those still together six years on had answered 86% of each other’s bids by turning towards them, while the couples who went on to divorce had managed only 33%. Small replies, repeated thousands of times, turn into the feeling that someone has your back, or the feeling that they do not.
The same research programme observed newly married couples both in the middle of a disagreement and in a relaxed, everyday setting, and couples who kept warmth and good humour alive even while discussing a problem were more likely to stay together. That warmth does not appear from nowhere during an argument. It is built in the ordinary moments beforehand, one answered bid at a time, which is part of what makes a relationship last.
Why bids get missed
- Phones. In one survey of people in relationships, nearly half said a partner had snubbed them for a phone, and almost a quarter said it had caused conflict. Every glance at a screen is a moment when a bid can go past unseen.
- Tiredness and stress, which shrink our attention to whatever is directly in front of us.
- Hidden bids. “Are you hungry?” can mean “I’d like to have dinner with you.” If you only answer the literal question, the real one goes unanswered.
- Mismatched styles. One person makes loud, frequent bids; the other makes quiet, rare ones that are easy to overlook.
- Old resentment, which makes us less inclined to turn towards someone even when we notice them reaching.
How to notice more of your partner’s bids
- When your partner starts speaking, put the phone face down. It is the simplest change with the biggest effect.
- Answer small bids in small ways. A smile, a “ha”, a hand squeeze is enough; turning towards does not require a long conversation.
- Learn their style. Ask, “What are the little ways you reach for me that I might miss?” The answer can be eye-opening.
- Listen for the question under the question. A comment about a stressful day is often a bid for comfort rather than advice.
- Turn towards even when you cannot fully engage: “I really want to hear this. Give me five minutes to finish this email?”
How to make bids that are easier to catch
Responsibility runs both ways. Hints and tests are bids in disguise, and disguised bids get missed. If you want a hug, ask for a hug. If you want to talk about your day, say, “Can I tell you about something that happened?” Being direct is not unromantic. It gives your partner the best possible chance of getting it right, and a straightforward bid is part of communicating better in a relationship.
When you realise you have missed one
Missed bids can almost always be recovered. “Sorry, I was miles away. What were you saying?” turns a turn-away into a turn-towards a few seconds late, and that still counts. If you notice a pattern, such as always being on your phone when your partner gets home, say so and change it rather than apologising each time. How to apologise to your partner covers what helps when a missed moment has really stung.
A one-week experiment
If this all sounds abstract, try it for a week. Each evening, tell each other one bid you made that day and one you noticed from the other person. Do not score it or turn it into a complaint; just name them. Most couples are surprised by how many bids they make without realising, and by how many they have been missing. By the end of the week, both of you will be catching more of them, without having tried very hard.
Bids before a relationship begins
Bids are not only for couples. The friend who keeps sending you songs, the colleague who always saves you a seat: early interest is often a series of small bids, waiting to see whether you turn towards them. If you are wondering whether that is what is happening, the signs someone likes you may help you read them.
Where IF fits: the bid that can wait
Most bids are answered in seconds: a glance, a laugh, a “look at that”. A few have to wait, because one of you is with someone else, and those need somewhere to go too.
IF is that somewhere: a dating app for reaching out honestly, single or partnered, whoever the feeling is for. You take a pull that began offline, like the friend who keeps sending you songs, put it into words, and wait to act until the moment is right. Between two singles on IF, the bid is a Like, and an accepted Like opens a chat. If one of you is taken, it is an IF: 250 characters at most, sealed until you are both single. It might read: “Every song you send ends up on repeat. I’m in a relationship and I’m not asking for anything, but you make my days better. If the timing ever works, coffee?”
They might hear that something is waiting, but not your name or your words. Nothing opens on IF while a partner is in the picture, and that is why, for anyone who is taken, it beats every other dating app: it is never somewhere to flirt on the side; instead it shields the relationship your small bids at home are building. Marking yourself as in a relationship empties your Likes and chats, yet your account remains, so bids like this can still reach you.
A crush like that is natural, nothing to feel bad about: a bid you have not made, not a betrayal. Cheating would mean acting on it while you are with someone, lying would mean denying it to a partner who asks, and both are wrong. An IF is neither. It is private: nobody is entitled to know you sent one, a partner included, and saying nothing wrongs no one. How to send the perfect IF will help with the words, and your first one is free. Make the bid once, warmly; it may be the bravest one you ever make.
Questions people ask
What are some examples of bids for connection?
Pointing something out (“Look at that!”), sharing news or a funny video, asking for help, a sigh or a stretch near your partner, a touch in passing, an inside joke, or a question like “Do you fancy a walk?” Anything that invites the other person to share a moment is a bid.
Is a text message a bid for connection?
Very often, yes. A meme, a photo of something that reminded them of you or a “How’s your day?” is a small reach for connection. You do not have to reply instantly, but a warm reply, even a short one, turns towards it.
How many bids do couples make in a day?
There is no set number, and it varies hugely between couples and between days. What matters is not the count but the proportion answered warmly. Couples who turn towards most of each other’s bids tend to feel close even on busy days.
What if my partner rarely makes bids?
They may be making quiet ones you are missing, or they may have stopped after a run of bids went unanswered. Start by turning towards the small ones you do notice, and ask them gently what makes them feel connected. Bids tend to come back when they start being caught.
Answer the small reaches, and make your own plainly. And if the bid you most want to make belongs to a later moment, write it as an IF and let the timing catch up.