What Is the Ick, and Can You Get Over It?
Entry No. 181 ·
By The IF Team
The ick is a sudden wave of turn-off towards someone you were attracted to, usually set off by something small: the way they say a word, a clumsy moment in public, a habit you had never noticed. One minute you are into them; the next, you cannot unsee it. It seems to work like a quick disgust reaction, and it is shaped as much by the person feeling it as by the person causing it. Can you get over it? Often, yes — when it is about a quirk rather than character, and when you give it time and a second look. When it is about how someone treats people, it is worth listening to.
If you have ever lost interest in someone over how they ran for a train, you are in good company, and you are not shallow. The phrase goes back at least to a 1998 episode of Ally McBeal, according to Merriam-Webster’s slang notes, and the reality show Love Island made it part of everyday dating talk in 2017. A sensation that common deserves a better explanation than “I’m just picky”.
It also says something about how fragile early attraction is, and how precious the feelings are that survive the small stuff. That is where IF comes in. It is built for telling someone what you feel, truthfully, single or not, and no matter who it is you are drawn to. The feelings that last, the ones already proven in real life, go into IF and wait to be acted on when the time is right.
What the research says about the ick
For years the ick was a TikTok phenomenon with no science behind it. That changed in 2025, when the psychologist Brian Collisson and colleagues published the first study of it. They began by analysing videos tagged #theick to catalogue what sets it off, then surveyed 125 single adults about how often they experienced it.
Two findings stand out. First, the triggers were mostly about behaviour rather than looks: in the TikTok analysis, physical appearance accounted for only around 6% of icks. Second, how prone you are to the ick depends partly on you. People with higher disgust sensitivity got the ick more readily and more often, and narcissistic and perfectionist traits were linked to it as well. The researchers were careful to say that an ick can be a genuine sign of incompatibility. It can also be a sign that your own filter is set very fine.
It was a small study, and correlational, so treat it as a first map rather than the last word. But it confirms what most people sense: the ick is real, it is fast, and it is not always a fair verdict.
The most common icks, and what they usually mean
Icks tend to fall into a handful of families. Some are trivial. A few are telling.
- Public awkwardness: chasing a bus, a pratfall on the dance floor, clapping when the plane lands. Almost always trivial; everyone looks undignified sometimes.
- Trying too hard: a rehearsed chat-up line, a performance of being cool, a sudden new accent. Usually nerves, often fades once they relax around you.
- How they talk: a catchphrase on repeat, a baby voice, constant slang. Mildly telling at most; habits can change.
- Over-eagerness: twenty messages before you have replied to one, talk of holidays on the second date. Worth a gentle word, because it may be anxiety rather than intensity.
- How they treat others: rudeness to the waiter, mocking a friend, contempt for an ex. This one is telling. It is less an ick than a preview.
Blip or dealbreaker? Three questions
Our minds weigh negatives heavily. In a large set of studies on what people avoid in partners, researchers found that dealbreakers counted for more than dealmakers: one bad trait can outweigh several good ones in the moment. That bias is useful when the bad trait matters, and costly when it does not. Before you act on an ick, ask:
- Is this about character or about a quirk? Kindness, honesty and respect are character. Their laugh is a quirk.
- Would it matter to me in a year? If you can picture laughing about it together, it is probably a blip.
- Did it arrive the moment things got real? If the turn-off showed up just as they said they liked you, the trigger may be the closeness rather than the person.
That last pattern is common enough to deserve its own note. Some people find their interest evaporates the instant a crush likes them back. If that sounds familiar, it is discussed in how to respond when someone says they like you, and it is worth noticing before you blame the other person’s shoes.
Why the ick often arrives when fantasy meets reality
Attraction from a distance is built partly out of imagination. You fill in the gaps with a version of the person who never says anything clumsy. Then you meet the real one, who chews, trips and tells a joke that does not land, and the gap between the two can feel like a turn-off when it is really just a person arriving.
This is why the ick is so often reported after weeks of great messaging and one slightly awkward first meeting; great chemistry over text but not in person explores exactly that collision. A second date, in a different setting, often tells you more than the first.
How to get over the ick
You cannot argue yourself into attraction, but you can stop a passing reaction from making a permanent decision. If the ick is about something small, try this:
- Name it precisely. “I got the ick” is vague. “I was embarrassed when he sang along loudly in the shop” is something you can look at.
- Check your own state. Tired, anxious or already doubting the whole thing? Icks feed on a bad mood.
- See them in a second setting. People are different at a gig, a dinner and a walk. Give the one who made you laugh a chance to come back.
- Write down three things you like about them. Not to talk yourself into it, but to put the ick back in proportion.
- If it is a habit, mention it kindly. “You don’t need the chat-up voice, I like the normal one” is a compliment wearing a request.
If the feeling has faded a week later, it was a blip. If it has grown into something you think about every time you see them, it may simply be telling you this is not your person, and that is allowed.
The ick in a long-term relationship
Icks are not only a first-date problem. Plenty of people in settled relationships notice a sudden irritation at a partner’s habit, often during a stressful patch or when the relationship has gone a little stale. It rarely means the love has gone. More often it means you need more space, more novelty or more warmth from each other, and it is worth saying so before the irritation hardens into contempt.
When the ick stays: ending it kindly
If you have given it a fair chance and the attraction has not returned, end things clearly rather than drifting. You do not have to name the ick; that would only wound. “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t feel the spark I’m looking for” is honest and enough. Vanishing instead leaves them with a question you could have answered; why people ghost explains why that silence lands so hard.
For the wider vocabulary of modern dating, from benching to orbiting, there is a quick guide to modern dating terms.
Where IF fits: for the feelings the ick cannot touch
You have seen them clap when the plane lands, sing every chorus wrong and run for a bus in flip-flops, and you still like them. A feeling that has survived that much real life is worth saying out loud, and that is what IF is for. Single or spoken for, and whoever you are drawn to, you can say on IF how you feel, so a feeling already proven against every quirk has somewhere to wait until you can act on it.
Two singles on the app need nothing clever: one Like, one acceptance, and you are talking. If one of you is in a relationship, write an IF instead, a sealed note with room for 250 characters. It cannot open until you are both single and starts no conversation before then, so it sits quietly rather than complicating anyone’s life. Something like: “I’ve seen you trip up the stairs at a gig and lose a fight with a ticket machine. Still no ick. Just a crush I’ve had for ages, in case the timing is ever ours.”
Should they already use IF, the app may let them know an IF is waiting, though it keeps quiet about who it is from and what it says. Not on IF? Their email address gets a single invitation from IF; their number or Instagram handle gets nothing whatsoever, and the IF keeps its place until they arrive.
The first IF you send is free. If squeezing months of liking someone into a few lines feels impossible, this guide to writing an IF will help. An ick can end a crush in a second; this one has lasted, so give it the sentence it deserves.
Questions people ask
Why do I get the ick so easily?
Some people are simply more sensitive to it, and early research links frequent icks to higher disgust sensitivity and perfectionist standards. It can also be a sign that closeness makes you uneasy, especially if the ick tends to arrive just as someone shows real interest. Noticing the pattern is the first step to deciding how much to trust it.
Can the ick go away on its own?
Often, if it was about something small. Seeing the person again in a different setting, or simply letting a week pass, can shrink an ick back to its real size. If it keeps growing instead, take that as information.
Is the ick a red flag?
Usually not. Most icks are about harmless quirks. The exception is an ick about how someone treats other people, such as rudeness or contempt, which is worth taking seriously because it tends to say something lasting about them.
Is it shallow to end things because of the ick?
Not if you have given it a fair chance. Attraction matters, and you do not owe anyone a relationship you do not feel. What would be unkind is telling them the trivial reason, or vanishing without a word. A short, honest goodbye does justice to you both.
Give the small stuff a second chance, and trust the big stuff. And when a feeling has outlasted every ick and the timing is still wrong, give it to an IF, sealed, until its moment arrives.