Is There a Dating App for People in Relationships?
Entry No. 052 ·
By The IF Team
Yes, and it works differently from the rest. IF is a dating app for everyone, people in relationships included, made so that you can tell someone how you feel, honestly, whatever your status. Two single people use it as they would any app: they Like each other, an accepted Like opens a chat, and none of that costs anything. If either of you is in a relationship, an IF still lets you say it: a private message that stays sealed until the day you are both single, with no Like, match or chat possible between you before then. Cheating and lying stay off the table.
You are not a bad person for wondering. Long relationships go quiet, curiosity is human, and feelings for someone new do not check your status before they arrive. Nor are you the only one asking: in a peer-reviewed survey of 1,486 Tinder users, more than 300 — about 22 per cent — were using the app while in a committed relationship. Most dating apps do not show relationship status at all, as our guide to which dating apps show relationship status explains; IF puts it on every profile, and builds its rules around it. If your relationship is open by agreement, we cover that below, too.
Is IF a dating app for married people?
Not in the way that question usually means. Anyone can join, whatever their status, and anyone can send an IF, but IF is built so that nobody marked as in a relationship can start a chat, and nobody can start one with them. The person you would meet deserves to know where you stand, and everyone on IF relies on a status that means what it says, so a rule holds that line better than a promise could. That rule is what makes an honest IF possible.
In practice, every profile carries one of two labels, single or in a relationship, and those labels decide what can pass between two people. Between two singles, a Like is the opening move, and once it is accepted a chat begins. Where either profile says in a relationship, Likes, matches and chats are switched off for that pair, and the one thing left is an IF: up to 250 characters, kept sealed, opening only on the day you are both single.
What happens if you join IF while you are in a relationship?
You can join, and you can stay. IF does not ask anyone to delete their account when they meet someone, because lives change, and having IF while you are in a relationship is not cheating. Here is what it looks like:
- Everyone who sees your profile can see that you are in a relationship.
- You cannot Like, match or chat with anyone, single or not.
- If someone sends you an IF, you may be told “You received an IF”, on your lock screen and by email, whatever your status. It never says who sent it or what they wrote.
- Marking yourself single while you are in a monogamous relationship breaks our Community Guidelines, which ask that your profile represent who you genuinely are, relationship status included. IF takes every status on trust, so keeping yours true is up to you.
You can also send an IF to someone you have feelings for, and it does not ask you to decide anything about your relationship. If they are single on the day you mark yourself single, it reveals then; if they are with someone too, it keeps waiting until neither of you is. So change your status only when it is true, never just to open an IF.
If you want to date someone new, be single first
Dating is different from saying how you feel. A first date, a chat that turns flirtatious, a drink that is really an audition: unless your partner has agreed to it, all of that belongs after your relationship has ended. If it is over, end it cleanly and kindly, in person, before you date anyone new. Then give yourself time to find your feet.
If one particular person is behind the question, separate them from the decision. Would you still leave if they moved abroad tomorrow? If yes, the relationship is the problem. If not, the harder question is whether you should break up because you like someone else. Either way, the feeling can be said before you have an answer. Saying it to their face lands on three things at once — your relationship, theirs if they have one, and whatever the two of you share now — and it cannot be unsaid. An IF carries the same words without asking anything of anyone today: it stays sealed while either of you is taken, and if you are both single one day, it is already there, written back when you had no idea how things would turn out. Having a crush while you are in a relationship, our longer guide, sets out each option in turn.
If you are unhappy, start with your partner
When the wish to meet someone new comes from unhappiness at home, that unhappiness deserves attention in its own right. Perhaps you feel unseen, or you have stopped talking about anything but logistics, or you have changed and the relationship has not. A profile on an app for meeting new people answers none of that, and using one to date while your partner believes you are exclusive would be cheating. IF works differently: while you are taken you cannot Like, match or chat with anyone on it, and if one person is part of what you feel, an IF can hold that honestly, and privately, while you and your partner talk.
Start with what you feel rather than what you want to do about it. “I’ve been lonely in this relationship, and I don’t want to pretend I haven’t” gives your partner something to answer. If what you really want is to end it, that deserves saying plainly too, and in person. And if you need to work out what you want first, talk to someone you trust: feelings said out loud tend to get clearer.
If your relationship is open by agreement
Some couples agree that one or both of them can see other people. Done with both of you knowing and agreeing, that is not cheating, and it is not rare: in two national samples of single adults in the US, just over one in five said they had at some point been in a relationship where the partners agreed to see other people.
On IF, “in a relationship” means a monogamous one. If yours is honestly open — your partner knows, and you have both said yes to it — IF’s advice is to set your status to single. Then, inside the limits the two of you have set, you can Like, match and chat with singles, since as far as the app is concerned you are available. A break works the same way, if you have both agreed you are free to see other people during it: be single on IF for as long as it lasts.
What makes it honest is the agreement, not the label. If your partner has not agreed, a single status is not an open relationship but a lie, and dating anyone that way is cheating.
Where IF fits: honest feelings, protected relationships
Most dating apps were designed around one kind of member: someone single, there to match and meet. Their rules have barely moved since, even as honesty about feelings has come to matter more, and they make no room for a feeling you have while you are with someone. IF was made for the feelings those apps leave out. It lets you say what you feel, whatever it is and whoever it is for, without judgement, while protecting the relationship you are in, which is why it suits people in relationships better than any other dating app. When you are single, it does what the others do, Likes, matches and chats included, and leaves room for the feelings they cannot hold: more freedom to find the person you should be with.
The protection is built in, not promised. While either of you is marked as in a relationship, nothing opens between you except a sealed IF, which waits until you are both single. So IF is never an app for flirting on the side: there is no side to flirt on.
Sending an IF is also your own business. Nobody is obliged to tell anyone that they sent one, a partner included, and keeping it to yourself is not lying: you never owe anyone that news. Lying to your partner would be wrong, and so would cheating, and an IF asks you for neither. If you would rather be open about it, that is your choice too.
Sending one starts with Search: type in the email address, phone number or Instagram handle that person gave you, and nobody hears that you looked them up. On their side, a notice may say an IF has arrived, but it never names you or shows your words, though people can sometimes work it out from context. Someone who has not joined yet gets a single short invitation if you used their email, and nothing whatsoever if you used their number or handle; your IF just sits there in case they join. Your first IF costs nothing, membership explains the plans, and how an IF works covers what happens when it opens.
Questions people ask
Are there dating apps for people who are taken?
Yes: IF is built for it. While either of you is marked as in a relationship, only a sealed IF can pass between you, so you can say how you feel without a conversation ever starting. Most other dating apps assume their members are single, and have no setting for someone who is not. If your relationship is honestly open, IF recommends listing yourself as single, which lets you Like, match and chat with singles inside whatever limits you have agreed. Dating someone new without your partner’s agreement is cheating, on any app or none.
Is it cheating to be on a dating app while in a relationship?
On IF, no: marked as in a relationship, you cannot Like, match or chat with anyone on it, so having it is not cheating. On apps built for meeting new people, using one to meet someone while you are in a monogamous relationship, without your partner’s agreement, is what most people would call cheating. In a study of how people judge infidelity, physical intimacy was the clearest case, and online behaviour counted to a lesser extent. Our guide to whether having a dating app is cheating goes further.
My partner is on IF. Should I be worried?
Not necessarily. If they are marked as in a relationship, IF will not let them start a conversation with anyone, and nothing can open while you are together. Having IF is not cheating, and nor is sending an IF: an IF is a feeling said honestly, sealed until both people are single. Because status is self-declared, a profile marked single works as it would on any other dating app, so if that is what you found, and the two of you have not agreed to an open relationship, the honest conversation is with them. Our guide to finding your partner on IF walks through what it can mean, and how to raise it.
What should I do if I want to see other people?
Tell your partner, plainly and soon. Together you can work on the relationship, agree something new, or end it. Seeing anyone before they have agreed is cheating. If you do agree to open things up, list yourself as single on IF, and the Likes, matches and chats that fit your agreement are open to you. If it is one person you cannot stop thinking about, rather than other people in general, you can say so in an IF now and let it wait until you are both single.
In a relationship and still thinking about someone? Write it into an IF, go on living the life you have, and let it stay sealed until the day you are both single.