I'm in a Relationship but Have a Crush on Someone Else. What Do I Do?
Entry No. 115 ·
By The IF Team
Having a crush on someone else while you are in a relationship is normal, and on its own it is not cheating. Commitment does not switch off your ability to notice people, and a feeling that crosses a relationship line is honest, not shameful. What matters is what you do next. You can let it pass, talk to your partner, tell the crush, or say it once in an IF, a sealed message that waits until you are both single. The only lines are cheating and lying. Everything short of them is your call.
You are not a bad partner for feeling this, and you are far from the only one. The worry that brought you here is usually a sign that you care about getting it right.
We make IF, the dating app for everyone, single or in a relationship. No conversation can open on IF while either person is marked as in a relationship, so nothing can start on IF behind a partner’s back. Instead, it lets you say how you feel, in a message that waits for the right timing.
Is it normal to have a crush in a relationship?
Yes. A study of adults in exclusive relationships found that crushes on someone other than a partner were common, that the feelings they brought were mostly pleasant — excitement, a lift in self-esteem, a little escape — and that the vast majority of people did not expect their crush to turn into anything more.
They tend to arrive for ordinary reasons. Long relationships settle into routine, and someone new carries the charge of the unknown. Proximity does the rest: the colleague you see every day, the person at the climbing wall who remembers your name. Often the crush is less about them than about how you feel around them — interesting, noticed, a little more like the person you were before the washing-up rota.
Nor does a crush usually do the damage people fear. A study that followed 172 people with a crush over a year found that, for most, the crush came with no apparent harm to the relationship. For some it went with falling satisfaction, especially when the relationship was already struggling. A passing flicker in a happy relationship is weather. A consuming, lasting one in an unhappy relationship is a message worth reading.
Is having a crush cheating?
No. A feeling is not an act, and nobody can promise a partner that they will never find anyone else attractive. Cheating lives in what you do: what you seek out, what you say, what you hide. Cheating is wrong, and so is lying about it. A crush, on its own, is neither.
Where the line sits is less agreed than people assume. When researchers asked people to judge which behaviours count as infidelity, sexual behaviour was the clearest case. Emotional, affectionate and online behaviours were judged to be infidelity to a lesser extent. Every couple draws its own line — around a lunch for two, a late-night message, a dating app on your phone — often without ever saying out loud where it is.
So a better question than “is this technically cheating?” is “is this still honest?” A crush is starting to become something else when you notice yourself:
- Deleting messages, or not mentioning conversations you would once have mentioned without thinking.
- Telling them things about your relationship that you have not told your partner.
- Arranging to be alone with them, or turning up where you know they will be.
- Flirting “just to see” whether they flirt back.
- Comparing your partner with them, and letting your partner lose.
The simplest test is secrecy: if you would be uncomfortable with your partner reading every message, honesty is already slipping. If you think you are past that point, whether you are having an emotional affair will help you work out where you stand.
What a crush can mean, and what it usually does not
It is tempting to read a crush as a verdict on your relationship. Sometimes it is one. More often, it means something smaller.
It may mean almost nothing
Novelty is powerful. A crush on someone you barely know is partly projection: you fill in the blanks with flattering guesses. It tends to fade once real life fills them in.
It may be pointing at a need
If the pull is towards someone who makes you laugh, when did you and your partner last laugh properly? The need is real, and some of it may be met at home as well.
It may be about who you are becoming
A crush often arrives at a turning point — a new job, a move, a birthday with a zero in it. The new person can stand in for the new you, and it helps to know which of the two you are really drawn to.
How to get over a crush when you have a partner
If you would rather let it fade, the method is the same with a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a husband or a wife: give the fantasy less attention and the relationship more.
- Name it. Saying “I have a crush on them” to yourself takes away some of its power. A feeling you will not admit, even to yourself, only grows.
- Stop feeding it. No replaying conversations, checking their profile or reading meaning into how fast they reply.
- Turn the volume down. Fewer one-to-one coffees, more group settings. You do not need to announce anything or cut anyone out.
- Let the real person in. The more ordinary they become — late, a bit vain, hopeless at splitting a bill — the less room is left for the fantasy.
- Turn towards your partner. Whatever the crush supplies — novelty, attention, laughter — look for some of it at home.
- Tell someone: a friend, a sibling, anyone you trust. Said out loud, it usually gets smaller.
- Say it once, and set it down. Some feelings only quieten once they have been said. An IF lets you say it to them, sealed, asking nothing of anyone, and then get on with your life.
- Give it time. Most crushes fade once the attention stops. If yours is still growing, the sections below are for you.
Should you tell your crush?
You can. Emotional honesty is brave. But be clear-eyed about the risks of saying it face to face while you have a boyfriend, a girlfriend or a spouse. Whatever you intend, a confession from someone who is taken can land as an opening, and may leave them unsure what it means for your relationship, or for theirs. It can make a friendship awkward overnight, and it puts a question to them that neither of you can answer yet.
You are potentially better off sending an IF. You write exactly what you feel, now, in a private, sealed message they cannot read until you are both single, and it asks nothing of them today. If the timing ever lines up, you are already there, with proof of how long you have felt this way.
Is it wrong to confess feelings while in a relationship?
Not in itself. The feeling is blameless, and saying it honestly is not a betrayal. What would make it wrong is lying to your partner, or letting it become something you have to hide. The practical risk is that a spoken confession invites a conversation that has nowhere to go yet. An IF says the thing without opening one.
What if you think they like you back?
Then it matters more, not less. Mutual feelings are where a crush most easily slides into cheating, usually through one secret conversation too many rather than a decision. If the connection is real, an IF lets it wait, honestly: no conversation can open on IF while either of you is in a relationship. If they are with someone too, our guide for when you have feelings for each other but are both in relationships is the next thing to read.
Deciding about your relationship
You do not have to decide anything about your relationship before you send an IF. You might be happy where you are and simply want the feeling said and put somewhere safe, or you might be unsure. Either way, it stays sealed until you are both single. If you do decide to leave, end it cleanly and be honest about your status, for reasons that are truly yours. If your IF is still waiting by then, you are already there. And if anyone says no, or asks for space, let that be the answer.
Should you tell your partner?
That is a different question, and only you know your relationship. Some couples can talk about crushes lightly and find it brings them closer. For others, hearing about a feeling that was going to pass anyway would hurt more than it helps.
A feeling is nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing you have to hide. Keeping a passing one to yourself while it fades is not deception; hiding contact, messages or plans is, and lying about them is wrong. It is worth telling your partner if the crush is changing how you behave, involves someone they know, or has you keeping anything from them. If you have sent an IF, that is something you can tell them too: it is sealed, not secret, and nothing can open while you are with them. Our guide to telling your partner you have a crush walks through when, how and what to say.
When the crush is really about your relationship
Sometimes the crush is not the problem. It is the messenger. It may be telling you something you already half-know if:
- Time with the crush feels like oxygen, and time at home feels like holding your breath.
- You would feel relief, not grief, if your partner ended things.
- This is not your first crush, and each one arrives faster than the last.
- You and your partner have stopped talking about anything that matters.
If that sounds familiar, you have two honest options: work on the relationship together, or end it cleanly and honestly. Either is your call. Should you break up because you like someone else? goes deeper, with one question worth asking yourself: would you still leave if the crush moved to the other side of the world tomorrow? Either answer is honest. It simply tells you what the decision is really about. Whatever you decide, you can say what you feel for the other person in an IF now. It waits while you work out the rest.
If you are bisexual, pansexual or queer and attracted to someone else
Being bisexual or pansexual in a monogamous relationship does not mean you are missing out on half of who you are. A crush on someone of a different gender from your partner is still just a crush, and the same principles apply: feel it, be honest about it, and keep it on the right side of the line.
What can make it harder is the old, unfair stereotype that bi people cannot be faithful. If you have heard it often enough, a crush can feel like proof, and shame tends to push people towards secrecy. It is not proof of anything. Commitment is about what you choose, and that is the same for everyone.
Sometimes, though, a crush is how someone first realises they are bi, gay or lesbian while in a relationship. That deserves space and kindness, including from yourself. Talk to someone you trust, and take it at your own pace.
Same principles, different situations
The principles hold; the practicalities change. If you are single and it is your crush who is taken, our guide to a crush on someone who is taken is written for you.
A coworker
You cannot put much distance between yourself and someone you see every day, so keep one-to-ones about work and do not become each other’s confidant. Saying it out loud at work carries real risks for you both, so a sealed IF, which opens only if you are both single one day, may be the safer place for it. Our guide to a work crush while you are married or partnered covers the work-spouse line.
A close friend
A friend is the hardest crush to step back from, because stepping back costs you a friendship too. Spend time in groups for a while. Saying it out loud puts the friendship on the line today. An IF lets you say it without asking anything of either of you until you are both single. If it has grown into more than a crush, read being in love with your best friend while you are in a relationship. Feelings for your partner’s best friend or sibling have a guide of their own.
An ex
Feelings for an ex are often nostalgia for a time rather than a person: who you were then, and what you were free of. Be honest with yourself about which it is. If it is the person, an IF lets you say so, sealed, until you are both single. Our guide to still having feelings for an ex once you are with someone new takes this further.
If you are married
Marriage raises the stakes rather than changing the answer. An IF can still carry your feelings, honestly and sealed, and nothing opens unless you are both single one day. If what you feel has grown beyond a crush, married but in love with someone else is written for that harder reckoning.
If you are dating but not exclusive
If you have been seeing someone for a few weeks without agreeing to be exclusive, feelings for someone else are not a betrayal. They are information. Be honest with yourself about what you want, and then with the person you are seeing. If you and the other person are both single on IF, that is a Like, not an IF: an accepted Like opens a chat.
When the feeling will not let go
For most people, a crush softens with time and distance. For some, it becomes consuming: checking their profile many times a day, rehearsing conversations, organising your week around the chance of seeing them. That is not a character flaw. If it has started to take over your days, talk to someone; you do not have to manage it alone.
Where IF fits
IF is a dating app for singles and people in relationships alike, built around one idea: you should be able to say how you feel to anyone, whatever your timing. Two single people use it like any dating app: a Like, once accepted, opens a chat. When either of you is marked as in a relationship, no Like, match or chat is possible. What you can send is an IF: a private, sealed message of up to 250 characters that waits for the right moment.
For a crush like yours, that makes IF a release valve: the feeling is said, honestly, and has somewhere safe to go. If the person you send it to is single when you change your own status to single — a decision only you can make — it reveals at that moment. They then see your profile and message and choose whether to accept, which opens a chat with your IF as its first message. If they are in a relationship too, it opens only once you are both single. How an IF works covers every combination.
Having IF on your phone while you are in a relationship is fine, and downloading it is not cheating: your profile shows that you are in a relationship, and nothing can begin while you are. An IF is sealed, not secret, with nothing about it to hide from your partner, and we say the same to anyone who finds their partner on IF. Status is self-declared, so it only works if it is honest: marking yourself single while you are still with someone would be a lie, and it breaks our community rules. Our guide to dating apps for people in relationships explains why IF is built this way.
Anyone who receives an IF may be told that one is waiting — never who sent it or what it says — and people can sometimes guess from context. If your crush is not on IF yet, one sent to an email address they gave you triggers one short invitation email, while one sent to a phone number or Instagram handle simply waits in case they join. Knowing that, the choice is yours.
Your first IF is free, and how to send the perfect IF will help you find the words. Writing one takes a little courage, and that is rather the point: you write it once, mean every word, and let it do the waiting while you get on with your life. If the timing ever lines up, it may lead you to where you were meant to be all along.
Questions people ask
Does having a crush mean I am unhappy in my relationship?
Not necessarily. Crushes happen in happy relationships too. One that arrives when you are already unhappy is worth more attention, so ask how you felt about your relationship before this person came along.
Can you love two people at once?
You can feel strongly about two people at once, and many people do. Whether the second feeling is love or infatuation usually becomes clearer with time. In a monogamous relationship you cannot act on both honestly, but you can be honest about both: with yourself, with your partner if you choose, and with the other person in an IF that waits until you are both single.
Should I tell my crush I like him if I have a boyfriend?
You can, and some people are glad they did. If he knows your boyfriend, or you share a friendship group or a workplace, a spoken confession lands in three lives at once. You may be better off sending a sealed IF: it asks for nothing until you are both single, and if the timing ever lines up, you are already there to show him how you felt all along.
How long does a crush last when you are in a relationship?
There is no fixed timeline. A crush left alone — no one-to-one time, no checking, no replaying — usually fades within weeks or months. One that lasts, or keeps getting stronger, is worth talking through with someone you trust, and some people find it finally rests once they have said it in an IF.
Is it okay to fantasise about someone else in a relationship?
An occasional daydream is part of having an imagination. It becomes a problem when it starts to replace your real life, or when you start keeping secrets to make it happen.
A crush is a feeling, not a verdict, and nothing you need to hide. Right person, wrong time? Say it once in an IF, keep living your life, and let it wait for the day your timing lines up.