Dating Someone Who Doesn't Want Kids (When You Might)
Entry No. 065 ·
By The IF Team
If you might want children and you are dating someone who is sure they do not, it is one of the hardest differences to make work in the long run — not because either of you is wrong, but because parenthood has no halfway point. What can work is finding out, early and honestly, how firm each of you really is. “I don’t want kids” sometimes means never and sometimes means not now; “I might” sometimes means always and sometimes means only if. Ask sooner than feels romantic, believe the answer, and decide before you are in too deep to decide well.
If you are reading this about someone you already care for, you are not naïve for hoping, you are not selfish for wanting a family, and they are not selfish for not wanting one. Two decent people can simply want different lives, or the same life at different times. That is part of why we built IF, a dating app for singles and people in relationships alike: your profile can answer the children question before the first drink, and if you part over timing and one of you later moves on, a sealed IF can say what you still feel and wait until you are both single.
Why children are the one difference with no middle ground
Most disagreements in a relationship have a middle. You can take turns choosing the holiday, or keep separate bank accounts and a joint one. Having children does not work like that. You cannot have half a child, or have one on a trial basis. Whatever you decide, one of you gives up something central to the life they pictured.
That is why the usual advice about compromise sits awkwardly here. The person who agrees to children they never wanted can end up parenting out of obligation. The person who gives up a family they always imagined can carry a quiet grief that surfaces years later — at a friend’s christening, or on a birthday that ends in a zero. Neither is a failure of love. Both are what happens when a real difference is treated as a detail.
First, find out what “doesn’t want kids” really means
People arrive at “no kids” by very different roads, and the road matters more than the words. Try to understand which of these you are hearing.
- “Never, and I’ve thought about it.” A settled position, usually as carefully considered as your wish for a family. This is the answer to take most seriously.
- “Not now.” Career, money, housing or the state of the world make it feel impossible for the moment. A timing answer rather than a values answer — but it still needs a rough horizon, or “not now” quietly becomes “not ever”.
- “I’m not sure I’d be any good at it.” Sometimes rooted in how they grew up. This can shift with time and support, though it is not yours to fix.
- “Not biologically.” Some people who do not want to be pregnant, or to pass on their genes, are open to adoption, fostering or step-parenting.
- “I already have them, and I’m done.” You would be joining a family rather than starting one, which we cover in dating someone with kids.
Questions that get to the real answer
Asked with curiosity, not as a cross-examination, a few open questions tell you more than a yes or no.
- “What has made you feel that way?”
- “Has it always been your answer, or has it changed over time?”
- “Is it having children you are against, or the kind of life you imagine comes with them?”
- “If everything else were easy — money, time, support — would the answer be different?”
Listen for the difference between a reason and a certainty. Reasons can change. Certainties rarely do, and it is not your job to argue anyone out of one.
Is not wanting kids a dealbreaker for you?
Turn the same honesty on yourself. “Might want kids” can mean “I cannot imagine a life without it”, or “I would like it if it happens”, or “I genuinely do not know yet”. The first is a need, the second is a want, and the last is an open question the two of you share.
Whether their no is a dealbreaker depends on which loss you could live with. Try this, alone and honestly.
- Picture an ordinary Sunday twenty years from now, with this person and no children. Not the wedding, not the holidays — just the Sunday. Notice what you feel.
- Now picture the same Sunday with children, and without this person. Notice that feeling too.
- Ask which picture holds the heavier loss. That is usually your answer, even if you do not like it.
If the first picture feels like a life, having children is a want: something you would love, but could let go of. If it feels like an absence, it is a need, and needs are worth protecting; IF uses the same two words, Needs and Wants. What to look for in a partner has more on telling them apart, and setting your dealbreakers goes deeper.
Then check whether time is part of the equation. If you hope to carry a child yourself, or to become a parent by a certain age, holding out for an answer to change costs a little more each year. Go by your own timeline, not the one your feed suggests.
Can it work? Three honest outcomes
Once you both know where you stand, most couples land in one of three places.
You are both less certain than you sounded
Two people who each sit somewhere in the middle can build a real future, provided they keep talking. Agree to revisit it — every six months, say — and to be honest if either answer firms up. A shared maybe is workable. A maybe nobody mentions for five years is not.
One of you is sure, the other is flexible
This can work, but only if the flexible person is genuinely choosing rather than conceding. Imagine ten years from now with nothing changed: would you be at peace, or keeping score? If you would be keeping score, it is not flexibility. It is a debt, and debts come due.
You are both sure, in opposite directions
Then the kindest thing is to say so, however much else is right between you. Staying while quietly hoping they will change asks them to become someone else to keep you. Their no is as legitimate as your yes, and pressing someone into parenthood they do not want is unfair to them and to the child who would follow.
Saying so is not ruling them out for ever. Answers do move, in both directions, and if it feels like the right person at the wrong time, you can part honestly, keep living your life and still leave the door open: if one of you later moves on and the feeling lingers, an IF can keep it open until you are both single. No conversation can open on IF while either of you is in a relationship.
One more line that should never need saying: never try to settle it by stealth. Pretending to agree when you do not, or deciding for both of you behind the other’s back, is lying about the biggest choice two people can share. Hopes and second thoughts are honest. Deception is not.
When to talk about kids when dating
Before it feels necessary, and in proportion to how sure you are. It does not need to happen all at once, only before either of you has more invested than you can comfortably walk away from.
- On your profile, if your answer is firm: the kindest way to tell many people at once, and on IF the Children field does it for you.
- In the first few dates, lightly. One question, asked as curiosity rather than a test. If time matters to you, aim for a clear answer by about the third.
- Before you become exclusive, directly. This is the last point at which ending things costs little. If you are about to have the exclusive talk, children belong in that conversation.
- Before moving in, or tying your lives together, in detail: roughly when, roughly how many, and what you would do if it proved hard.
How to ask about kids on a dating app
The trick is to offer your own answer first, so the question feels like sharing rather than screening. A few ways to phrase it, from lightest to most direct:
- “Random big-picture question, and no wrong answer — I go back and forth on kids myself. Are they something you think about?”
- “I’d like a family one day, though I’m in no rush. Where do you land?”
- “Before we get too far — kids matter a lot to me. Do you want them?”
If their profile already answers it, ask what the answer means to them instead. Ask once, then let it breathe. Do not ask for a timeline in an opening message, and do not visibly deflate at an answer you were not hoping for. Thank them for being straight with you: someone who tells you early is doing you a favour, even when it stings.
Let your profile say it for you
The easiest time to learn someone’s answer is before you have even met. IF has an optional Children field with five answers — “Someday”, “None”, “Have, Want More”, “Have, Done” and “Unsure” — shown on your profile, so anyone considering you sees where you stand, and you see theirs whenever they have filled it in.
Fill in your own answer first, because a Children Need compares their answer with yours. Then, on IF’s paid plans, rank Children in your Priorities and drag it above the Needs / Wants line. Profiles whose answer differs, or who have not answered, move down your deck rather than disappearing — deliberately, because answers move, and the “not now” and the “Unsure” in this guide are exactly the people an outright filter would lose.
If your partner does not want children and you are already in love
Sometimes the question arrives late: months or years in, when your partner says the answer is no after all, when one of you changes your mind, or when “not now” finally has to become a yes or a no. That deserves more than one conversation.
- Talk without a deadline first. Each of you says what you want and why, before anyone proposes a solution.
- Say it out loud to someone outside the two of you. A friend who will not take sides can help you hear what you actually want.
- Agree a decision point, not an ultimatum. “Let’s talk again after the summer” is fair. “Decide by Friday or I’m leaving” is not.
- If you part, part as two people who want different lives. Nobody has to be the villain, and that makes what you had easier to remember fondly.
Ending a good relationship over a single difference is one of the hardest things anyone does, and grief is the right response. If that is where you are, getting over someone you cannot be with is written for exactly this, and talking to someone can help.
Where IF fits
IF is the dating app for everyone, single or in a relationship, built around one idea: you should be able to say how you feel, whatever the timing. For two single people it works like any dating app. And when the right person’s answer came at the wrong time, it gives you somewhere to put the feeling: a way to say so and let it wait.
Perhaps you parted because their “not now” could not meet your “soon”, and years later one of you is with someone new and the feeling lingers. You can tell them, but opening up like that has risks: it lands inside a relationship and cannot be taken back. You are potentially better off sending an IF, a private, sealed message that opens only once you are both single.
If you are the one with someone new, sending it is not cheating and nothing about it needs hiding: it is sealed, not secret. No conversation can open on IF while either of you is in a relationship, so it asks nothing of anyone today, and if your answers ever line up, you are already there to show them how much you have always cared. Right person, wrong time? Wait for them on IF.
If they become single while you are single, you get 24 hours to reveal it; if you are in a relationship and they are single, it reveals when you change your own status to single. How an IF works covers every situation.
Know how it lands. If they are on IF, they will usually be told an IF is waiting — never who sent it or what it says — and they can delete it if they choose. Someone who knows your history may also guess it is you. If they are not on IF yet, one sent to an email address triggers one short invitation email, while a phone number or Instagram handle sends nothing at all. Knowing that, the choice is yours.
Your first IF is free. Say it once, mean every word, and let it wait while you get on with your life. If the timing ever lines up, it may lead you to where you were meant to be all along.
Questions people ask
Can a relationship work if one person doesn’t want kids?
It can if at least one of you is genuinely unsure or flexible, and you keep talking. If one of you definitely wants children and the other definitely does not, it rarely lasts without one of you giving up something central, though answers can shift with time.
Is not wanting kids a dealbreaker?
Only if having children is a need for you rather than a want. Imagine a long, happy life with this person and no children. If it feels like an absence rather than a life, treat it as a dealbreaker, and say so early.
How early should you ask someone if they want kids?
Put a firm answer on your profile, raise it lightly in the first few dates, and have the direct conversation before you become exclusive. The longer you leave it, the more it costs to hear the wrong answer.
Can someone change their mind about having kids?
Feelings about children can change, in both directions, though nobody can promise it. Take the answer they give you now at face value and plan around it. If you part, and the feeling lingers after one of you has moved on, you can say it once in an IF and keep living your life while it waits.
Should I break up with someone because they don’t want kids?
If you want children and they are sure they do not, only you know which loss you could live with. Talk it through fully first, and make the decision your own rather than an ultimatum. If you do part, it need not be for ever: should one of you later move on and the feeling linger, an IF can hold it until you are both single.
Know your answer and put it on your profile, and if the right person arrives at the wrong time, say it once in an IF and let it wait for the day your timing lines up.