What Are We Really Looking For?

Entry No. 003 · June 2026

By The IF Team

Ask someone what they want from dating and you will usually get a list: kind, funny, tall-ish, likes dogs, wants kids maybe. Ask them what they actually need to be happy with another person, and the list goes quiet. Modern dating has given us infinite choice and, somehow, less certainty about what we are choosing for.

More options, less clarity

The apps trained us to swipe on surfaces — a jawline, a job title, a clever bio. But the things that actually predict whether two people last barely fit on a card: how you handle conflict, whether your ambitions point the same way, what you each mean by the word family. We optimised for the visible and then wondered why the invisible kept failing.

From checklists to priorities

A checklist asks: is this person tall, funny, employed? A priority asks: what can I not live without, and what can I happily let go of? Those are very different questions. Height is a preference. Wanting a partner who treats their friends well is a priority. The people who date well are not the ones with the longest lists — they are the ones who know which three things actually matter and hold the rest loosely.

A quiet shift is underway

There is real evidence that priorities are changing. Across the major dating studies of the last few years, qualities like emotional maturity, shared values, and a sense of safety have climbed above the old status markers. People are, slowly, getting more honest about what they are looking for — less “who looks best on my arm,” more “who do I become around this person.”

Why naming it changes everything

Here is the thing about priorities: unspoken, they cannot help you. The clearer you are about what matters, the faster you recognise it when it appears — and the quicker you stop spending months on people who were never pointed your way. Naming your priorities is not picky. It is kind, to you and to everyone you are not right for.

That is why priorities sit at the heart of how IF works. Rather than reducing you to a photo, IF asks what you are actually building toward and weighs it — so the connections you are offered reflect what you said mattered, not just who happened to be nearby. The more honest you are about your priorities, the better the people you meet.