Still Have Feelings for Your Ex in a New Relationship?
Entry No. 047 ·
By The IF Team
Yes, it is normal to still have feelings for your ex in a new relationship, and on its own it does not mean your relationship is a mistake or that you should go back. A relationship that mattered leaves a mark, and feelings fade on their own timetable, not on the day you meet someone else. Having them is honest, not shameful, and nothing you need to hide. What matters is what you do with them: let them settle by feeding them less, talk about them openly, or say what you still feel in a sealed message that waits until you are both single.
If you feel guilty for even thinking it, you are not a bad partner, and you are far from the only one. There are only two real lines here: cheating is wrong, and so is lying to the person you are with. Everything short of that is yours to decide. Our guide to having a crush while you are in a relationship covers feelings for someone new. This one is about the person you have already loved once. We built IF, the dating app for everyone, so that feelings like these can be said honestly.
Is it normal to miss your ex in a new relationship?
Yes. You spent months or years building a private world with someone: in-jokes, routines, a way of being looked after when you were ill. The breakup ended the relationship, not the habits, and a new relationship does not overwrite them. You can love your partner and still feel a pang when something reminds you of the person before.
Attraction to people outside a relationship is ordinary, too. A year-long study of adults in exclusive relationships who had a crush on someone else found that such attractions rarely doomed the relationship; the ones linked to lower commitment were strong and lasting, or arrived when the relationship was already unhappy. An ex comes with history, but the principle holds: a feeling that visits is weather, not a forecast.
What the feelings might be telling you
Grief that arrived late
If you moved into this relationship quickly, you may simply not have finished grieving the last one. That does not make your partner a rebound. The sadness you postponed is catching up. It asks for time: grief eases if you let it run its course, and a long late-night conversation with your ex often starts it all over again.
Nostalgia for who you were
Often the pull is less towards the person than towards the time: who you were at twenty-two, the flat you shared, a life before the bills got serious. Ask what exactly you miss — the spontaneity, the friends, the sense that everything was still ahead — and bring some of it into the life you have now.
An ending that never felt finished
A breakup you did not choose, or one that ended in silence, leaves questions open. Closure rarely comes from the ex, though. It usually comes from deciding, on your own, that you have enough of an answer. And if there is one thing you never got to say, you do not have to swallow it: write it down, or say it in an IF, a sealed message that stays unopened unless you are both single one day. If they have asked you not to contact them, respect that, and let writing it down be enough.
Something missing now
Sometimes the ex stands in for a need your relationship is not meeting: to feel understood, wanted, light-hearted. That is information about the present, not proof that the past was better. Name the need and take it to your partner: “I miss being silly together — can we do something ridiculous this weekend?” If it still goes unmet, the section on something bigger, below, is for you.
The one who got away
And sometimes it is simply the person: you were too young, or in different cities, and part of you has always believed they were right for you. That deserves honesty too — not a lie or a hasty exit, but the truth, said once in an IF, asking nothing of anyone today. Right person, wrong time? Wait for them on IF.
Thinking about your ex while in a relationship: harmless, or a warning?
A memory that visits and leaves is harmless. The trouble starts when the feeling begins to run your days, or moves into secrecy. Watch for:
- Checking their social media, or scrolling through old photos, more than now and then.
- Messaging them late at night in a way you would rather your partner did not see.
- Telling them things about your life, or your relationship, that you have not told your partner.
- Deleting messages, or not mentioning contact you would once have mentioned without thinking.
- Keeping a private line open to them, just in case — one your partner knows nothing about.
That last one has a name. Researchers call someone you are not with but keep in touch with, in case a romance is ever possible, a back burner, and one study found that people in committed relationships reported as many back burners as single people did, kept warm through texts and social media. An ex is the easiest back burner of all. What makes it corrosive is not the hope but the hiding. Hope itself can be said once, in an IF — sealed, but nothing you need to hide — and left alone.
The checking matters as well. A study of 464 people after a breakup found that keeping tabs on an ex’s Facebook page was linked to more distress, more longing for the ex and less personal growth. Every look reopens the wound a little.
Is it cheating to have feelings for your ex?
No. A feeling is not an act, and you cannot promise a partner that someone you once loved will never cross your mind. Cheating lives in what you do and in what you hide, and it is wrong. So is lying about contact you have had.
Contact is where it gets murky. Research into how people judge infidelity found that people judged sexual behaviour as infidelity most readily, and emotional and online behaviour less so. A friendly text to an ex may be nothing in one relationship and a betrayal in another.
Texting an ex can drift quickly. You already share a shorthand, and “how are you?” can slide into “I miss this” in a single late evening. The simplest test is whether you would be comfortable with your partner reading the whole thread. If not, our guide to whether you are having an emotional affair will help you see where you stand.
Having IF on your phone is not cheating either. No Like, match or chat is possible on IF while either person is marked as in a relationship; the only thing you could send an ex is a sealed IF that opens once you are both single.
How to deal with feelings for your ex when you are with someone new
- Name it, honestly. Feelings you admit to tend to settle; feelings you hide tend to grow in the dark.
- Check less. Mute them and archive the old photos. You are not erasing the past, only turning down its volume.
- Keep necessary contact practical. If you co-parent or share a circle of friends, stick to logistics and group settings, in the open with your partner.
- If they get in touch, keep it short and above board, and tell your partner it happened.
- Grieve on purpose. Write the letter you will never send, or talk it through with a friend who knows the history.
- Say it once, if it needs saying. An IF holds what you still feel in a sealed message that waits until you are both single, without opening a conversation, and once it is said, it no longer needs rehearsing in your head.
- Retire the comparison. Your memory of your ex is a highlights reel; your partner is right here, leaving mugs on the side.
- Invest in what you have. Make new memories deliberately: a trip, a ritual, something that belongs only to the two of you.
- Give it time. Feelings that are not fed usually soften over months. If yours are growing instead, read on.
Should you tell your ex you still have feelings?
You can. Emotional honesty is brave, and some people need to say it. But saying it directly has risks: it can unsettle two relationships at once, and it reopens a conversation that is hard to close.
You are potentially better off sending an IF. It holds everything you want to say, sealed until you are both single, opens no conversation today and asks nothing of either of you. And if the timing ever lines up, you are already there to show them how much you have always cared.
Should you tell your partner?
Nothing about the feeling is shameful, and nothing about it needs hiding. A passing thought about an ex is yours to let pass. But tell them if you are still in contact, if the feelings are changing how you behave, or if they would feel deceived to find out later; keeping those things back slides towards lying. “I’m still processing my last relationship, and I’m dealing with it” is honest. A detailed comparison is not. The same goes for IF: having it, or an IF waiting for an ex, is nothing to hide. Telling your partner about a crush covers that conversation.
Feelings for an ex while married
Marriage raises the stakes without changing the principle. Old feelings often arrive from outside: a friend request from a first love twenty years on, a message that begins “I’ve been thinking about you”. They carry the charge of a life you did not live, which deserves respect and a little thought before you act.
The pull also tends to arrive in a flat season, when work, bills and routine make an ex from before all that look like pure possibility, because they never had to share the dull parts. It may be pointing at what the marriage needs: time together, an honest conversation. It may be pointing at the ex. Only you can tell which.
If an ex gets in touch, a short, friendly reply is enough, and nothing about it needs keeping from your spouse. If what you feel is real and lasting, you can say so in an IF, which stays sealed, with no conversation possible on IF, while either of you is married or with someone else. If the feeling seems mutual and you are both with other people, read mutual feelings when you are both in relationships.
When the feelings are about something bigger
Sometimes the ex is not the point. If ending your relationship would feel like relief rather than grief, the real question is about the relationship itself. You have two honest options: work on it, or end it cleanly and kindly, with no secret line to your ex while you decide. Should you break up because you like someone else? goes deeper. And if your heart has been with your ex all along, an IF can already be waiting for them, saying so honestly, for the day your timing lines up.
If the feelings have become consuming — checking their profiles several times a day, replaying old messages, struggling to concentrate on much else — talk to someone; you do not have to manage it alone.
Where IF fits
IF is the dating app for everyone, single or in a relationship, built around one idea: you should be able to say how you feel, whatever the timing. Two single people can Like each other, and an accepted Like opens a chat. When either person is marked as in a relationship, no chat can open, but you can still send an IF: a private, sealed message of up to 250 characters that opens only once you are both single.
That makes it a release valve for exactly this situation: you can be fully present in your relationship and still say, honestly, what you feel for the person before. If your ex is single when you change your own status to single, your IF reveals then. If they are with someone too, it waits until you are both single, and if you get there first, you will have 24 hours to reveal it when they do. If it is revealed, they see who you are and what you wrote, and choose whether to accept; accepting opens a chat with your IF as its first message. How an IF works covers every situation.
Know how it lands, too. If your ex is on IF, they will usually be told an IF is waiting, never who sent it or what it says. If not, one sent to their email address triggers one short invitation email without your name or words, while one sent to a phone number or Instagram handle simply waits in case they join. IF never discloses the sender before a reveal, but an ex knows you well and may guess from context. Knowing that, the choice is yours.
Your first IF is free, and how to send the perfect IF will help you find the words. Writing one takes a little courage: say it once, mean every word and get on with your life while it waits. Maybe the feeling settles because it has finally been said. Or maybe, one day, the timing lines up and it leads you to where you were meant to be all along.
Questions people ask
Why am I suddenly thinking about my ex?
Often because something has moved: a milestone in your relationship — moving in, an engagement, a first holiday — or news of them, or a date that used to matter. A sudden return of feeling is usually about the moment, not the person, and it often passes as quickly as it came. If it does not, listen to it, and if it is telling you something your ex should one day hear, an IF can hold it, sealed, until you are both single.
Is it normal to dream about your ex when you are in a relationship?
Yes. Dreams recycle people who mattered, often long after you have stopped thinking about them by day. A dream about an ex is rarely a message, and not a wish you have to act on. Notice the feeling it leaves, and let it go.
Does missing my ex mean I am not over them?
Not necessarily. Missing someone can sit alongside having moved on. Being over someone does not mean feeling nothing. It means the feeling no longer steers what you do.
Can you stay friends with an ex when you are in a new relationship?
Sometimes, if the feelings on both sides have settled and your partner is comfortable with it. If yours are still strong, a close one-to-one friendship tends to keep them burning, so stepping back for a while, or keeping to groups, can help, and an IF can hold on to what you still feel in the meantime.
Some feelings outlast a breakup for a reason. Put yours honestly into an IF, and let it wait, sealed, for the day you are both single and a second chance becomes possible.