First Date Tips: Nerves, Plans and What Matters
Entry No. 201 ·
By The IF Team
The first date tips that make the most difference are simple. Choose a plan with a shape and an end, somewhere you can hear each other. Arrive a few minutes early, put your phone away and be curious: ask about them, follow up on what they say, and offer something of yourself in return. Treat your nerves as energy rather than a problem. Then leave while it is still going well, with a clear word about whether you would like to do it again. A first date is not an audition. It is two people finding out whether they enjoy each other’s company, and that is all it needs to be.
If the night before has you rehearsing conversations in the shower, you are in good company. Almost everyone finds first dates a little nerve-racking, and the people who seem effortless are usually just better at hiding it. You do not need to become calmer or cooler to have a good time. You need a sensible plan, a few good questions and the willingness to be yourself for an hour or two.
Not every first date is with a stranger, either. Sometimes the person you would most like to sit across from is someone you already know, and the timing is off because one of you is seeing someone. IF exists for exactly those feelings. It is built so that anyone, single or taken, can be honest about who they like, whoever that happens to be: whatever started between you in real life can be written down in the app today and acted on once the time is right.
Plan a date with a shape and an end
The single most useful decision happens before you meet. A good first date has a natural beginning and a natural finish, so neither of you has to engineer an exit. A drink that can turn into dinner, a walk that ends at a café, an exhibition with somewhere nearby for a coffee afterwards: each lets you stop after an hour if it is not working, or carry on if it is.
Look for somewhere you can talk without shouting, and ideally somewhere with a little to look at or do. Sitting side by side over a shared activity takes the pressure off the conversation, and it gives you something to laugh about together. There is a full list, grouped by what each idea does for nerves and conversation, in first date ideas, and plenty that cost next to nothing in cheap date ideas.
Before you go: the practical basics
- Confirm the day before with a short, warm message. It saves a wasted journey and gives you both a small lift of anticipation.
- Eat something beforehand, and plan how you are getting home so you are not relying on anyone else for it.
- Wear something you feel like yourself in. Comfortable shoes and clothes you do not have to think about beat a new outfit that pinches.
- If you met online, meet somewhere public, tell a friend where you will be, and keep the first meeting short; online dating safety covers the rest.
- If a friend arranged it, ask them a few questions first; being set up by friends explains what to ask and how to handle it afterwards.
First date nerves: put them to work
The usual advice is to calm down. The research suggests a better trick. In experiments by Alison Wood Brooks at Harvard Business School, people facing nerve-racking tasks such as singing in front of others or speaking in public did better when they told themselves they were excited rather than trying to relax: reappraising anxiety as excitement left them feeling more excited and performing better. The racing heart is the same either way. The story you tell yourself about it changes how the evening feels.
A few other things help. Arrive five minutes early so you are settled rather than flustered. Have two or three questions in your back pocket, in case the conversation needs a nudge; first date questions has plenty. And remember that the other person is very likely nervous too, which makes any small kindness from you — a warm greeting, a laugh at their joke — land twice as well.
On the date: curiosity beats performance
Most people spend first dates trying to come across well. The ones who leave the best impression spend them paying attention. Ask open questions, and then ask about the answer: “What made you pick that?” or “What was that like?” shows you were listening in a way no rehearsed anecdote can. Share your own stories as well, so that it feels like a conversation rather than an interview.
Keep your phone out of sight, not just face down. In two experiments, researchers found that the mere presence of a mobile phone on the table left strangers feeling less close to each other, especially when the conversation turned to something meaningful. If you need to be reachable, say so at the start and leave it in your bag.
Go easy on the heavy material. A brief, honest answer about your last relationship is fine if it comes up; a forty-minute account of it is not. Money worries, family rifts and detailed complaints about dating can all wait until you know each other. Humour, enthusiasm and a few good stories are what people remember.
Small awkward moments, handled
Every first date has a few. The bill arrives and nobody is sure what to do: the simplest rule is that whoever suggested the date offers, and the other offers to split or to get the next one; who pays on a first date has the details. A silence falls: let it sit for a second, smile, and pick up a thread from earlier. Something goes wrong — a spilt drink, a closed venue, a downpour — and you laugh about it, which often turns out to be the best bit of the evening.
Ending the date, either way
Endings are where nerves peak, so decide in advance roughly what you want to say. If you would like to see them again, tell them plainly: “I’ve really enjoyed this. I’d love to do it again.” A kiss is lovely if you both want one, and asking is part of the romance; when to kiss someone walks through the signs.
If you would rather not see them again, you do not need to announce it at the door. A warm “It was really nice to meet you” is honest and kind. Send a clear message afterwards rather than leaving them guessing, and keep it short. Either way, when to text after a first date covers the timing.
After the date
Give yourself a day before you judge it. First impressions shift once the adrenaline wears off, and an evening that felt merely pleasant can look better in the morning, especially if you find yourself replaying something they said. Signs a first date went well helps you read the evening honestly, and if you are both keen, second date tips covers what changes next time.
Where IF fits: the first date you cannot have yet
Sometimes the date you really want to plan is not with a match at all. It is with the friend of a friend you clicked with at a birthday, or the colleague you would ask for a drink in a heartbeat, if only one of you were not seeing someone. Asking them out anyway would put everyone in a difficult spot, and a date kept from a partner is cheating, whatever you call it. Pretending the feeling is not there is no better.
An IF gives that feeling an honest home. You write it once — a sealed message of up to 250 characters — and it stays closed until you are both single. No chat can start on IF until neither of you has a partner, so nobody is asked to do anything in the meantime. Someone already on IF may see that an IF has arrived for them; your name and your words stay sealed. When the time does come, they see your message and decide whether to accept; if they do, a chat opens with your words as the first thing in it.
If you are both single, there is nothing to wait for: when they are on IF, a Like says you are interested, and if they Like you back you can start planning that first date. If they have not joined yet, an IF can go to contact details they shared with you themselves: an email address, a phone number or an Instagram handle. Only the email triggers anything, a single brief invitation; the other two send nothing, and the IF waits in case they sign up. Your first IF is free, so the only thing it asks of you is the nerve to write it.
Questions people ask
How long should a first date last?
Plan for about an hour to ninety minutes, with the option to stay longer. That is long enough to get past small talk and short enough that a lukewarm date does not drag. If it is going brilliantly, nobody minds a second drink.
What should you not do on a first date?
Do not check your phone, interrogate them, talk at length about an ex or drink much more than you normally would. Do not treat the date as a test they have to pass, either. Most first-date regrets come from trying too hard rather than from saying the wrong thing.
Is it okay to cancel a first date because you are nervous?
You can, but nerves alone are rarely a good reason, and they usually fade within the first ten minutes. If you do cancel, do it as early as possible, apologise briefly and offer another day if you mean it. Cancelling an hour before, or not turning up at all, leaves the other person far worse off than a nervous evening would have left you.
What should you wear on a first date?
Something one notch smarter than your everyday clothes that you are completely comfortable in, chosen for the place you are going. You want to feel like yourself on a good day, not like someone in costume.
Be curious, be kind and leave on a high. And if the first date you most want is still waiting on the timing, put the feeling into an IF now, so it is there the day you are both free to have it.