Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?
Entry No. 044 ·
By The IF Team
Get back together with your ex if you can name what ended things and point to something that has genuinely changed since — in you, in them or in your circumstances — and you both want to try again for reasons other than loneliness. Second chances can work when the breakup came from something that could pass: bad timing, distance, one of you not being ready, a hard season of life. They are far harder to make work when it came from something that has not moved: contempt, repeated dishonesty, a difference over children or where to live.
If you are turning this over, you are not foolish and you are not alone. Missing someone after a breakup is about as human as it gets, and still loving an ex is nothing to be ashamed of or to hide. But missing a person and being right for each other are different things, and the ache of the first can drown out the second. So the useful question is not “do I still love them?” It is “would it be different this time, and why?”
This is a way to decide, not a playbook for winning anyone back: a second chance is only worth having if both of you choose it freely. And your options are wider than “text them tonight” or “never speak again”. You can let it rest, talk it through, send a Like if you are both single and on IF, or, if one of you is with someone else or they are not on IF yet, say it once in an IF — a sealed message that waits until you are both single. IF is the dating app we built for feelings like this, and no conversation can open on it while either of you is in a relationship.
Start with why it ended, not how it felt
Memory is a generous editor. After a breakup it keeps the slow Sunday mornings and the in-jokes, and quietly cuts the arguments about whose turn it was to call. Before anything else, write down the real reason it ended in one plain sentence. Not “it was complicated”, but “we fought about money every month” or “I took the job in Leeds, and neither of us wanted to do long distance”. Then ask which kind of ending it was.
Endings that time can change
Some relationships end because of when they happened rather than who was in them. One of you took a job abroad. One of you was grieving, or burnt out, or twenty-three and not ready. If circumstances like these were the whole story, and they have since changed, a second chance is a reasonable thing to consider. If they have not changed yet, hoping is not foolish: some feelings are simply early. And if one of you has met someone else since, that is what an IF is for: say it now, let it wait for the day you are both single, and keep living your life in the meantime. Our guide to right person, wrong time looks at how to tell real timing from a kind excuse.
Endings that time rarely changes
Others end because of something that lives inside the relationship. A difference over whether to have children, or where to build a life, does not soften because you have spent time apart. Nor does a pattern of broken trust, or one person doing all the work of keeping things going. Watch especially for contempt: the eye-rolling, mockery and quiet superiority that treat a partner as beneath you. The Gottman Institute names contempt as the number one predictor of divorce in its decades of research, and it rarely disappears during a break.
If your sentence belongs in this second group, getting back together means one of you has to change something fundamental. That can happen. It simply needs more evidence than a warm message and one good evening.
Do second chances work?
Sometimes — far more often when the reason you broke up has been dealt with than when it has simply faded from memory. A 2020 analysis of 43 long-term studies of couples found that the strongest predictors of relationship quality were features of the relationship itself: how committed each person believed the other was, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, how satisfied they thought their partner was, and conflict. That makes a useful checklist for an old relationship. Did you feel sure of each other? Did you feel appreciated? How did you fight, and how did you make up?
Readiness matters too. Research from Purdue University found that people who felt more ready for commitment were more committed to their relationships, and about 25% less likely to break up. If one of you left because you were not ready, the question is whether that has really changed, or whether you are hoping it has.
A relationship that has already ended and restarted more than once deserves extra care. Each round tends to follow the same script unless something new breaks it.
Signs getting back together could work
- You can both name what went wrong, without rewriting it as entirely the other person’s fault.
- Something concrete has changed — a move, a new job, a decision about children, a habit genuinely given up — not just a promise to try harder.
- You have had real time apart, and built a life you like without them.
- You want this person, specifically, and not simply to stop feeling alone.
- They want it too, and have said so in words, not in hints you have had to decode.
- The people who know you best are cautiously pleased rather than quietly alarmed.
Signs it is loneliness talking
- The pull is strongest late at night, on anniversaries, or when you see them looking happy online.
- You cannot say what would be different, only that you miss them.
- You measure every new person against them.
- You would be going back to something you left for a reason you still agree with.
- You are hoping they have changed, rather than seeing that they have.
If most of these fit, the feeling is real, but it may be grief rather than a plan, and getting over someone you cannot be with picks up from there. If months pass and it still shapes your days, talking to someone can help. And letting go does not have to mean leaving it unsaid: if one of you is with someone else, or they are not on IF yet, you can put it in an IF, set the feeling down and get on with things, knowing it is there if the timing ever changes.
If your ex is the one asking
Sometimes the question arrives as a message rather than a thought: a late “can we talk?”, an ex who suddenly wants to try again, or an IF they sent long ago that has finally opened. You do not owe an answer on their timetable. Ask them what you would ask yourself: what do they think ended it, and what has changed since? A good answer is specific and owns part of what went wrong. A vague one — “I just miss you”, “it will be different this time” — tells you they miss you, not that anything is different.
Notice when they came back, too. An ex who reappears the week their next relationship ends, or on a lonely Sunday night, may be reaching for comfort as much as for you. An IF sent long ago is different: it was written before any lonely Sunday, so it shows the feeling was there all along. And if your answer is no, you can say it kindly and clearly without owing a long explanation. If it arrived as an IF, you can simply decline it, and they are not told.
Getting back together after a breakup, carefully
If you have done the thinking and you both want to try, treat it as a new relationship with an old history, not a reset button.
- Talk before you date. Have one honest conversation about what went wrong, what each of you would do differently, and what you both want now.
- Agree what will change, specifically. “We will communicate better” is a wish. “We will not let a row about money sit for a week, and we will go through the accounts together on the first Sunday of every month” is a plan.
- Go slowly. Date again, rather than moving straight back in or picking up exactly where you left off.
- Check in with each other early and often, while things are good, rather than saving every hard conversation for a crisis.
- Decide now what you will do if the old pattern returns, so you are not deciding in the middle of it.
Should you text your ex?
Only if you know why you are sending it, and you can accept any answer, including silence. The worst times to text an ex are the times you most want to: after a drink, at 2am, on their birthday, or on the way home from a wedding where everyone else seemed paired off. If they have asked you not to contact them, or blocked you, that is their answer, on IF as anywhere else, and the respectful thing is to leave it there.
You may have read about the “no contact rule” as a way to make an ex miss you. Used as a tactic, it is a game; used honestly, a stretch of silence simply clears your head enough to decide. It also helps to stop checking: a 2012 study of 464 people found that keeping tabs on an ex’s Facebook page was linked to more distress and longing, and less personal growth, after a breakup. Muting them gives you room to decide well.
If you do reach out, keep it short, specific and free of pressure. Something like: “I’ve been thinking about us, and about what went wrong. If you’re ever open to a coffee and an honest conversation, I’d like that. No pressure either way.” It names a feeling, asks for nothing big, and leaves them an easy way to say no. Leave out anything that asks them to manage your feelings, like a “do you ever think about us?” sent at midnight. Send it once. If they do not reply, you have your answer.
There is also another way to say it: not after a text that went unanswered, but instead of one. Saying it directly is brave, and sometimes exactly right, but it lands in the middle of their day, asks for an answer they may not be ready to give and cannot be taken back. If one of you is with someone else, or they are not on IF yet, you are potentially better off sending an IF: it stays sealed until they are on IF and you are both single, and if the timing ever lines up, you are already there to show them you never stopped caring.
If one of you has moved on, or it has been years
If your ex is now with someone else, still loving them is not wrong, and it is not hopeless. What would not be fair is pushing into their relationship: testing whether they would stray, or asking them to choose. Right person, wrong time? Wait for them on IF. You can say what you feel without asking anything of them now: they may be told an IF is waiting, never who sent it or what it says, and it stays sealed for as long as they are with someone. If they ever become single while you are too, you can reveal it and let them see the feeling never went away. My ex moved on but I still love them goes deeper.
If you are the one in a new relationship, feelings for an ex are common and nothing to be ashamed of. The only lines are cheating and lying, so never sound out an ex behind your partner’s back. An IF lets you say it honestly instead: it waits until you are both single, and no conversation can open before then. Still having feelings for your ex in a new relationship is written for exactly that.
If it has been years, how to reconnect with the one that got away walks through reaching out gently, once, through contact details they have given you. And if the timing still is not right, an IF sent from Search with an email address, phone number or Instagram handle they gave you can hold the words for you and wait.
Where IF fits
IF is the dating app for everyone, whether you are single or with someone, and no conversation ever opens on it while either of you is in a relationship. It is built around one idea: you should be able to say how you feel, whatever the timing. With an ex, that takes the pressure off: no big conversation to stage, just one honest message that can find its moment.
If you are both single and both on IF, send a Like. If they Like you back, you match and a chat opens, with none of the weight of a 2am text.
If the timing is not right yet — your ex is with someone new, you are with someone, or they are not on IF at all — send an IF: a private, sealed message of up to 250 characters that waits, unless they delete it, until you are both single. You can send an IF from Search to someone not on IF yet, using an email address, phone number or Instagram handle they have given you, as long as your own account has a verified phone number. If you are single when they become single, you get 24 hours to reveal it; if you are in a relationship and they are single, it reveals when you change your own status to single. Then they see who you are and what you wrote, and accepting opens a chat. How an IF works covers every situation.
Know how it lands. If your ex is on IF, they will usually be told an IF is waiting, never who sent it or what it says. If not, one sent to their email address triggers one short invitation email without your name or your words, while one sent to a phone number or Instagram handle sends nothing at all and simply waits in case they join. An ex knows your history, though, and may guess from context. If they decline, you are not told. Knowing that, the choice is yours.
Your first IF is free. Writing one takes a little courage, and that is rather the point: you say it once, mean every word and get on with your life while it waits. Maybe saying it is what finally lets the feeling rest. Or maybe, one day, the timing lines up and it leads you back to where you were meant to be all along.
Questions people ask
Do couples who get back together last?
Some do, and some break up again for the same reason. The first few months tell you most: if the old argument is back within weeks, the problem was skipped over in the relief of reuniting rather than dealt with. A second chance built on a named problem and a concrete change has a fair shot; one built only on missing each other tends to replay the first ending.
How long should you wait before getting back with an ex?
There is no fixed rule, but deciding in the first raw weeks rarely goes well. Wait until you can picture a good life without them, then ask whether you still want them. Wanting someone from a place of contentment is very different from needing them to stop a hurt. If what you are waiting for is their circumstances to change, an IF lets you say it now and carry on with your own life while it waits.
Should you get back with an ex who cheated?
Cheating is wrong, but some couples do rebuild after it, as long as the person who cheated takes full responsibility, answers questions honestly and accepts that trust returns slowly. If they minimise what happened, or you would be going back mainly because you are afraid of being alone, that is your answer. Talking it through with someone you trust can help you work out which it is.
How do you know if your ex wants to get back together?
Not reliably from their stories, their playlists or who they have started following. Some signals mean more than others: an ex who brings up what went wrong, suggests meeting or talks about the future rather than the past is telling you something. Late-night nostalgia and a reaction to your story at midnight mean far less.
The only clear sign is that they tell you, so if you need to know, ask them plainly. If asking outright feels too exposed, say it first instead: a Like if you are both single and on IF, or a sealed IF that waits until you both are, so you never put them on the spot. And their way of telling you might be an IF of their own: once it opens, you can accept or decline, and they are not told if you decline.
Still feel it? Send a Like if you are both single and on IF, or say it once in an IF and let it wait for the day your timing lines up.