Speed Dating Tips: Making a Few Minutes Count
Entry No. 177 ·
By The IF Team
The best speed dating tips are about attention rather than performance. Choose an event that suits you, arrive a little early, and bring two or three questions that open people up rather than a list of facts about yourself. In each conversation, look for common ground and notice how you feel talking to them, not whether they tick your boxes. Be choosy when you mark your matches: say yes to the people you would genuinely like another hour with, not to everyone. Jot a note after each date so the faces do not blur, and follow up with your matches within a day or two.
If you are nervous about sitting opposite a stream of strangers with a timer running, you are in good company; most people in the room feel the same, which is part of what makes it oddly friendly. Speed dating also has one big advantage over profiles: you meet the actual person. When psychologists asked speed daters about more than a hundred of their traits and preferences beforehand, those answers could not predict who would feel a spark for whom. Chemistry shows up in the room, not on paper, and a few minutes face to face can tell you more than weeks of messages.
Speed dating works because it lets people say “I would like to see you again” with very little risk. IF is built on a similar idea of honest, low-stakes feeling: it lets people say how they feel about someone, whatever their relationship status and whoever they are interested in, taking a connection that started in the real world and putting it into words that wait until the time is right.
How speed dating works
The details vary by organiser, but most events follow the same pattern. A group of singles gathers in a bar or café, usually sorted by age range and by who is interested in whom. Pairs talk for a few minutes, often between three and eight, before a bell rings and one of each pair moves to the next table. After every date you mark whether you would like to see that person again, on a card or in an app. The organiser then shares contact details only where two people have both said yes.
Many cities now have events for particular groups: queer women, gay men, LGBTQ+ nights for everyone, people who share a hobby or a faith, people in a particular age bracket. Some are built around an activity, such as a walk, a cooking class or a quiz, which can feel easier than sitting across a small table. Pick the event where the people you hope to meet are most likely to be.
Before you go
- Book an event that fits. The right age range and the right mix of people matter more than the venue.
- Bring a friend if it helps, as long as you split up once the dates begin.
- Eat beforehand. Speed dating plus an empty stomach plus a drink is not a winning combination.
- Arrive a little early. The minutes before it starts are a gentle warm-up, and you will feel less rushed.
- Wear something comfortable that feels like you. You want to be thinking about the conversation, not your shoes.
- Prepare two or three good questions. You will not need a script, but having a few openers in your pocket takes the edge off.
What to say in a few minutes
A few minutes is short, so skip the questions everyone else will ask. “What do you do?” is fine, but it rarely leads anywhere interesting in the time you have. Better openers invite a story:
- “What’s the best thing you’ve done this month?”
- “What would you be doing tonight if you weren’t here?”
- “What’s something you could talk about for an hour without getting bored?”
- “What’s the most underrated place in this city?”
Then follow their answer rather than your next question. Curiosity is far more attractive than a polished summary of yourself, and there is more on the craft of keeping a conversation going if you tend to freeze. Share something about yourself in return, keep it light, and let the bell end things on a laugh rather than a silence.
What research says about who gets matches
Speed dating has been a favourite tool for relationship scientists, so there is unusually good evidence about what works in these few minutes:
- Feeling similar matters more than being similar. In one speed-dating study, how similar two people felt to each other predicted attraction, while how similar they actually were mattered far less. Finding and enjoying common ground, even small common ground, is time well spent.
- Saying yes to everyone backfires. Researchers found that interest aimed at one particular person tended to be returned, while daters who wanted almost everyone were desired less in return. Be generous in conversation and selective on the card.
- Approaching helps confidence. In one experiment, the people who moved from table to table felt more confident and were more open to the people they met than those who stayed seated. If you are the one moving, use the walk to reset and arrive warm.
How to decide who to match
Do not try to judge whether someone is your future partner in four minutes. Ask a smaller question: would I like to spend another hour with this person? If the answer is yes, or even “I think so”, mark it. A good conversation is enough reason for a coffee.
Write a word or two after each date, such as “cycling, terrible puns, kind eyes”, before the next one starts. By the end of the night, faces blur, and your notes will help you decide fairly. If someone was nice but you felt nothing at all, it is fine to say no. Your no is invisible to them; only mutual matches are shared.
After the event
When your matches arrive, message within a day or two while the evening is fresh. Mention something from your conversation so they know which of the night’s dates you were, and suggest something specific. If you are not sure how long to leave it, when to text after a first date applies here too. Then treat the next meeting as a proper first date, not a continuation of the speed round: there is more on that in first date tips.
If you came away with no matches, that is common and it is not a verdict on you. A room of twelve people is a tiny sample. Try a different event, a different format or a different crowd, and count the practice at talking to strangers as a win.
Other ways to meet people in person
Speed dating is one of several ways to meet people away from the apps, and it suits some people better than others. If the format is not for you, how to meet people without dating apps covers the rest of the map. Some of the best connections start closer to home, through the people you already know; asking out a friend of a friend covers that gentle art. And if you are queer and wondering where your people actually meet, where queer people meet partners looks at the options.
Where IF fits: for the spark that does not come with a bell
The kindest thing about speed dating is the card. You tick yes in private, and you only find out if they ticked yes too. Most of life offers nothing like it, which is why IF exists: it lets you tell someone you have actually met, honestly, how you feel, attached or not and whoever they are, and holds on to it until the two of you are able to act.
If you are both unattached and they use IF, a Like is your tick in the box, and their acceptance is theirs: a chat opens, and you can suggest a drink. The harder case is the match you had one lovely coffee with, who then got together with someone else. For them, there is an IF, sealed and limited to 250 characters, which stays unopened, with no chat possible, while either of you is attached. Something like: “We both ticked yes at table six and I still think we were right. I know you’re with someone now, and I’m glad it’s going well. If things ever change, the next coffee is on me.”
They will not see your name in the meantime. If they use IF, a notice may say an IF has come for them, and that is the whole of it until it opens. If they are not on IF, the email or number the organiser passed on when you matched is enough to address it: the email brings one short invitation, a number stays silent, and the IF waits for them.
Your first IF costs nothing, which makes it the lowest-pressure yes you will ever give. Tick the box, so to speak, and get on with your evening.
Questions people ask
What should you talk about at speed dating?
Things that invite stories rather than facts: the best part of their week, a place they love, something they could talk about for hours. Listen properly, follow up on what they say and look for common ground. Avoid exes, heavy subjects and a rapid-fire list of questions.
Is speed dating worth it?
For many people, yes. You meet several real people in one evening, see how you actually feel around them, and only hear about the matches that are mutual. Even when it does not lead to a date, it is good practice at meeting new people, and a low-pressure way to see who is out there.
What should you wear to speed dating?
Whatever you would wear on a relaxed first date to that venue: smart-casual, comfortable and like yourself. You want to stop thinking about your outfit within a minute of arriving.
Do speed dating matches turn into relationships?
Some do. A match is simply an agreement to meet again, and from there it works like any other first date. The format is good at the hardest part, meeting someone and finding out if the interest is mutual, and the rest is up to the two of you.
Go curious, be choosy with your yeses and follow up quickly. And for the sparks that happen far from any event, IF lets you say yes privately and wait, sealed, until the timing is yours.