Holidays With a New Partner: Gifts and Plans
Entry No. 204 ·
By The IF Team
When you have only been seeing someone for a few weeks or months, the holidays go best when you keep them in proportion. Talk about plans before anyone books anything, give a small, thoughtful gift rather than an expensive one, and treat meeting each other’s families as optional rather than expected. Match each other’s pace, say what you would like out loud, and let the season be a lovely chapter in something new, not a test it has to pass.
The pressure is real. The festive season — Christmas, New Year and everything around them — arrives with a calendar full of parties, family expectations, gift lists and a countdown to New Year’s Eve, and a new relationship has to find its place among all of it before either of you quite knows what it is. If you are anxious about getting it wrong, that is a sign you care, not a sign you are doing it badly.
This time of year also has a way of stirring up feelings, about the person you are seeing and sometimes about other people too. IF exists for exactly that: an app for saying how you feel, honestly, whatever your relationship status and whoever you have feelings for, so that what you already feel in real life has an honest place to go and can be acted on when the time is right.
Talk about the holidays before they arrive
Most festive friction in new relationships comes from assumptions: one person quietly expecting to spend New Year’s Eve together, the other quietly booking a trip with friends. A short, early conversation saves you both from that. Raise it lightly a few weeks before plans start to harden.
- Ask about their traditions. “What do you usually do over the holidays?” is easy to answer and tells you a lot about what matters to them.
- Share yours. Whether you go home for two weeks or work through the whole season, say so, so they are not left guessing.
- Look for the overlap. Even a dinner before one of you travels, or a walk on the first quiet day after, gives you a moment of your own.
- Ask about gifts directly. “Are we doing presents?” can feel awkward for ten seconds and save you a week of worrying.
How much to spend on a gift for someone you just started dating
Less than you think. Research at Stanford found that people giving gifts expect a pricier present to be appreciated more, but the people receiving them reported no link between how much a gift cost and how grateful they felt. What lands is the sense that someone was paying attention.
A rough guide by stage, to be adjusted for your budgets and your circumstances:
- A few dates in: a card, a small treat, or a plan rather than a present. Nobody expects a gift this early, and a big one can feel like pressure.
- A month or two: something small and specific, chosen because of a conversation you had. Keep it modest.
- Three months or more, and exclusive: something more personal, still with an eye on matching what they are likely to give you.
If you are unsure, it is fine to agree a rough limit together, and fine to ask what they would like. In a separate set of studies, people appreciated gifts they had asked for more than surprises, while givers wrongly assumed the opposite. Asking is not unromantic; it is considerate.
Gift ideas that feel thoughtful, not intense
- The book, album or film they mentioned once and you remembered.
- Tickets to something small you could go to together in the new year: a comedy night, an exhibition, a gig.
- A favourite snack or drink from their hometown, if they are staying put this year.
- A print of a photo from a day you spent together, if you have one you both like.
- A cooking night: the ingredients for the dish they keep talking about, and you making it with them.
- Something that nods to an in-joke, which will mean more to them than anything expensive.
- A handwritten card that says one specific thing you like about them. It costs almost nothing and tends to be kept.
What to leave for later: jewellery, anything that assumes a future you have not discussed, and anything that would make them feel they owe you something bigger in return.
Should you meet each other’s families?
Only if you both want to, and there is no rule about when. Some couples meet each other’s families within weeks because a holiday gathering is the obvious moment; others wait a year. Families at this time of year can also be tired, crowded and emotional, which is not always the easiest first impression.
If you are invited and it feels too soon, a warm no is fine: “I’d love to meet them, and I think I’d like it to be when things are calmer — can we plan something in the new year?” If you are going, bring something small for the host, ask questions, help clear the table and do not take any awkwardness personally. And if one of you is not ready for family to know about the relationship, for any reason, follow that person’s lead without making it a verdict on how they feel.
Parties, plus-ones and New Year’s Eve
- Work parties. Bringing someone new to a work do is a bigger signal than it looks; ask whether they would enjoy it rather than assuming.
- Friends’ parties. These are often the gentlest introduction to each other’s worlds: relaxed, social and easy to leave early.
- New Year’s Eve. It carries outsized expectations. Talk about it like any other plan, and if you are apart, a message at midnight is a lovely way to be together anyway.
- Time apart. If one of you is away for two weeks, agree loosely how much you will message. Some people love daily updates; others go quiet at home. Neither means anything is wrong.
When the season brings up other feelings
The holidays are nostalgic by design. You go home and run into the person you had a crush on for years; an ex sends a warm message out of nowhere; you meet someone at a party and feel something you did not expect. None of that makes you a bad partner. Feelings arrive on their own schedule, and having them is normal.
What you do with them is what counts, because on its own a feeling wrongs nobody. If an old flame has resurfaced, feelings for an ex while you are in a new relationship is worth reading; if it is someone new, there is a whole guide to crushes that arrive while you are in a relationship.
Where IF fits: what the season stirs up
Picture Christmas Eve in your home town: the pub is packed, and by the fire is the person you never quite got over at university. That is the moment IF was made for. Seeing someone or not, and whoever the feeling is for, you can put what real life stirred up into honest words tonight and act on it when the timing allows.
Find them by Swipe, or by the number or Instagram handle they gave you years ago, and write something like: “Christmas Eve at the Crown, and you still laugh before the punchline. It made my year. If the day comes when we’re both single, the drink we kept promising each other is on me.” The most IF might tell them before it opens is that something is waiting: not your name, not a word of it.
If you are the one who is newly taken, IF suits you better than any other dating app could. Until you are both single, an IF stays shut and silent: no flirting on the side, no holiday fling in disguise, and nothing that puts this winter’s relationship at risk. If it became official over the break, make it IF official too: switching to in a relationship clears out your Likes and chats, while your account stays put for any IF heading your way. A feeling stirred up by a hometown pub is normal, and no cause for shame. Sending an IF is private, too: you need not mention it to anyone, your new partner included, and keeping quiet is not wrong. A kiss under the mistletoe, explained away next morning as a late night with old friends, would be cheating and lying, and both are wrong.
There is no charge for your first IF, and the details are in how an IF works. Valentine’s Day in a new relationship is the next date with questions of its own; for now, say what the season stirred, once, and enjoy the rest of it.
Questions people ask
What do you get someone you just started dating for Christmas?
For Christmas or any other holiday, something small and specific: a book they mentioned, tickets to something you could do together, a favourite treat, or a handwritten card. A thoughtful gift that shows you were listening will mean more than an expensive one.
Should you buy a gift if you have only been on a few dates?
You do not have to. A card, a small treat or a plan to see each other in the new year is plenty. If you would like to give something, keep it light so they do not feel caught out.
Is it too soon to spend the holidays together?
Not if you both want to, but there is no obligation. Many new couples see each other before or after the main days and spend the holidays themselves with family or friends. Talk about it early, and choose what feels relaxed rather than what feels expected.
How do you tell a new partner you are not ready to meet their family?
Warmly and with a future in it: say you would like to meet them, just not in the middle of a crowded holiday, and suggest a calmer time. Most people hear that as care, not rejection.
Whatever this season brings, let your feelings be honest ones. Put them into IF, and let them wait for the right moment to be acted on.